Reminisces

My vacation from LG is over....
.... I am uneasy once again... having to share kabute with LG....

I wonder why I cannot seem to make him laugh like that. It makes me feel just so bad inside. I want to be the reason he laughs like that, be the reason why he wants to live ife to the fullest. The reason why he can do anything he wants to in this world. I do not want to make him cry anymore. I do not want to make him feel bad about anything anymore... but the only way that can happen is if I leave him now. But I don't know... I'm almost sure he won't agree to that.

My tears want to fall and my eyes are hot. I try to make them fall and to keep them from falling at hte same time. I am torn. Between loving him and letting him go. Letting him go in the way that he can enjoy things that do not include me but it makes me want to cry to think that there are things in his life that does not include ME.

It's my baby's birthday today....

Have you ever had the feeling that you really love a person... and you don't want to let that person leave, but (of course there's a but) you feel in your gut that that person will leave you someday?

That is how I feel.

I love him, but we always seem to argue and quarrel over such petty stuff. I love him but I can't seem not to be able to help myself and I keep provoking him, I keep on doing and saying stuff I know will make him mad. Just so I can see until when his patience with me would hold out. Until when he would be so fed up and finally do what I've been expecting him to do for the past three months....

1...

2...

3...

4...

5...

6...

7...

8...

9...

10...

and then his patience will break and I will be sad again. Because of my own fault.

well... not on life. just on the 'responsibilities' that I am saddled with. stuff I can actually NOT do... weird huh? :/ hmm...

anyway to make the loooong story short, I am sick and tired of being taken for granted by my family. I can get out of paying the utility bills: meralco and nawasa, buying the groceries, buying gold from the rice vendors, giving my sister her baon for everyday, my sister's pang-yosi, and being the bumbay (utangan, in short) of seemingly every extended family member I have. if that is not enough, I also seem to give out the money whenever it's any family member's birthday and on my OWN as well. I lead a luckless existence... and no thanks at that, it would be considered a minor miracle if such a phenomenon occurs...

hahahay.... the life of a panganay....

I really am not sure what makes me provoke him... something that makes me want to 'test' the limits of his patience when I'm concerned; push until he's about to break; and basically to make him mad... Mad enough to leave me? I think so.

I have always done this. Most of the time, I do it unconsciously, yet there are particular times (such as now???) that I do it so unerringly and consistently that I already do think that I am doing these things to drive him away....

Why I do this I do not know. I really do not know. Why do I not know? Because I love him, so why would I do such a dumb thing? Rhetorical question. I love my teddy bear... maybe I unconsciously think that he deserves something more...

I know, I know... I thought so too.

I'm getting ahead of myself again am I not? I just do not know how to start sometimes, whether I need to explain or to just keep mum; whether it would be more beneficial for me to just let go or to push; to demand for what I want; or be contented with what others think is what I deserve.

I am on a downhill slide. Apparently, in more ways than one:
--> my family life
--> my social life
--> my enviromental hang-ups
--> my "professional" life (????)
--> and at times, my love life as well

.... see ye what I mean? Now tell me if I'm still needed to live in this f*ckin' world.

I need out.

I WANT out....

But that is not a gadd*mned option. So I'm stuck here in this h*llhole called my LIFE.